Neon Genesis Weebtunia: Ghosts of Gazoolgo
by SpaceOctober
Summary: When two demotivated idiots crash land in Gamindutri, they expect either a swift death, or a starring role in a cringy and edgy plot that is nothing but wish fulfillment. But when the Soviet menace moves to give our favorite CPU waifus a Red Scare, these two morons are drawn into a battle beyond their wildest LSD fantasies. This is Weebtunia, and this will definitely not end well.
1. Chapter 1 - The Phantom Pillow

_**AN:**_ _ **This is a Neptunia fic, we think.**_

 _ **(Probably not.)**_

 ** _Featuring things perfect for wholesome, Christian family fun like:_**

 ** _-Political """humor"""_**

 ** _-Jokes about the Cold War_**

 ** _-Archaic memes_**

 ** _-Random references you might need to Google to understand._**

 ** _-(Random references you might need to Google to understand that will probably make you want to scrub your search history after the fact.)_**

 **- _Pizza_**

 ** _-Toasters_**

 ** _-(Toaster Strudels)_**

 ** _-Jokes about shitty anime from the 90s._**

 ** _-Jokes about shitty anime from the 1890s._**

 ** _-(Jokes about shitty Monopoly games from 1864.)_**

 ** _-Metal Gear_**

 ** _-(REX? You're that ninja...)_**

 ** _-Pink Floyd_**

 ** _-(His custom colors are supposed to be red. It's just an animation error...)_**

 ** _-Communism_**

 _ **If it wasn't apparent already, this is going to be absolute crack in almost every way imaginable,and this only the first chapter of many. We hope you enjoy, and experience minimal loss of brain cells.**_

 _ **Special thanks to my fellow collaborator Gasher3xFaster, the only person I've met who was willing to discuss concepts for this garbage over lunch for the last two months.**_

 _ **(Unfortunately. Abandon all hope, all ye who enter. You have been warned.)**_

* * *

"Hey, Charlie, you home, fam?"

The slender, brown-haired college student opened the dormitory door and was greeted by the usual sights: overturned ramen cups devoid of noodles, empty and crushed Mountain Dew cans, and a massive spider on the floor, stalking prey amongst the graveyard of Doritos and Pocky boxes, with a broken Metal Gear REX plastic model standing vigilant, with one leg, no less, as a monument to the crushed hopes and dreams hidden deep within that corner of the house.

The student blinked once and inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of stale air and unwashed loneliness.

All the while smiling.

"...Wow. Home sweet home," he said. "Charlie! I know you're in here."

"Hmm!? WHAT!?" a groggy voice screamed as the closet door burst open, spreading a wave of crusty socks and empty lotion bottles across the littered floor. Atop this wave was another young liability to society, albeit a less pasty one with slightly more muscle tone.

Also, said liability to society was wearing a Bob Ross t-shirt. Belonging to the aforementioned student.

"...Nice shirt, Charlie," the first student said, his tone dripping with bitter sarcasm. "You trying to increase your meme level?"

"...Uh...yeah, that's it," Charles replied, picking himself up off the floor. " Sorry, but I ran outta shirts. How's it hanging, Ray?"

"Great," Raymond said. "Mostly. This house is a fucking war crime, though, and all this shit from your wank closet isn't helping."

"Hey, at least I USE my wank closet."

"What does THAT mean?"

"It means I can hear you spanking the monkey in the bathroom at 4 AM, you prick."

"...Shut up. ANYWAY, we should probably try to tidy up a bi-"

A huge crash interrupted Raymond's suggestion, and a large white object tumbled out of the crusted closet. The two froze, looks of shock upon their faces.

"No." Charlie squeaked. "NO!"

It was a goddamned body pillow. WITH a pillowcase portraying a rather "well-drawn" woman with purple hair and armor which provided no protection whatsoever. Of course, this description could have been applied to approximately 40% of the measureable Gross Waifu Product, the revolutionary new system pioneered by famed economist Donaldó Trümpé for use in measuring the amount of available waifus created by China and their communist menace to destroy our down-home American values.

But, thankfully (?) the pillow named the series from which the grill in question originated in extremely small print, most likely so most people wouldn't read it:

Hyperdimension Neptunia.

"No...dear God, NO!" Raymond shrieked, his glasses clattering to the floor as he stumbled backward. "You CAN'T be one of them!"

"Ray, I can explain!"

"You're…"

"Ray, please."

"YOU'RE-"

"How is this any different from you keeping a Doomguy figure on your bedside table-"

"CHARLIE!" Raymond screamed, "YOU'RE A WEEABOO!"

"B-baka! It's not like I wanted to preorder it!" Charles yelled in response, his metaphorical true colors flying freely. The restraints of societal norms and dignity were shed, and the beginning of the end was near. Raymond cringed and fought off the urge to go fetal and cry in the nearest corner.

He knew he this would end. It was only a matter of time before the infection progressed, causing cancer in every living organism within a 50-meter radius.

Unless…

"CHARLIE!" Raymond yelled as he pulled an archaic 90s PC setup out of absolutely fucking nowhere. "I KNOW HOW TO FIX YOU!"

Moving at blinding speed, the bachelor turned the PC on, causing the title screen of Duke Nukem 3D to pop up on the monitor.

"Play this game, and all your weebiness will disappear," Raymond said, feeling quite proud of this medical breakthrough. "That is, if you haven't reached… the final phase."

Charlie's head shot up. As shameless as he was at this point about owning a body pillow, he could tell that this was going to be one for the books.

It was just a shame that he'd run out of video film the day before. Charlie silently noted that, if he survived this whole ordeal, he needs to go outside for once in his life and go and buy more.

"Charlie," Ray asked. "Have you written any fanfictions at all? Perhaps one with an overtly sarcastic tone that tries and fails to be a funny piece of satire?"

The slightly larger student said nothing except give his friend the biggest shit-eating grin seen on this side of the Earth since the good old days after 9/11.

After one look at Charlie's face, Ray fell to his knees and let out an anguished cry, accepting that nothing could be done. His roommate was doomed, lost forever to a fate that even the Lord of Hell himself would consider to be total overkill: weeaboo trash.

"Not him too. NOT HIM TOO! WHY COULDNT IT HAVE BEEN EBOLA INSTEAD?!"

"FUCKING HELL!" Charlie burst out, dropping his grin almost immediately. "FINE! I'M A FILTHY WEEABOO! DEAL WITH IT, YOU MELODRAMATIC FLAGFUCKER!"

"Okay, jeez," Ray conceded. "Be literal cancer if you want. Just keep it away from my Doomg-"

 ***BEEP***

The two roommates looked over at the source of the disturbance: Ray's phone.

" _30 minutes away! Trust me on this, I timed it. ;) -Mom"_

"Oh. Oh...OH FUCK!" Ray screamed, vaulting over the couch. "I TOTALLY FORGOT!"

"YOU FORGOT WHAT!?" Charles asked.

"MY MOM IS COMING TO VISIT TODAY! WE HAVE TO GET THIS SHIT CLEAN!"

"GOD DAMMIT RAY!"

The two testosterone-loaded twats scrambled to conceal the six weeks of trash from plain view. Mountains of ramen were leveled, soggy paper towels were lobbed into the recycling bin, and the air filled with particles of MSG and dead epidermal tissue.

The scene could be best likened to a scene from Twister. Not the fun game that requires you to snap every last one of your cervical vertebrae and tie your limbs around your cousin like a really fucked-up incest pretzel House Lannister would be proud of. No, we're talking the movie from 1996 starring Bill Paxton, that one guy from Aliens and The Terminator that you definitely recognize but whose name you can't remember.

Damn, Aliens was a good film.

(Get back to cleaning, Ray)

"Well, that's a lot better," Charlie said, admiring the duo's handiwork.

"Yeah...except for, y'know, the FUCKING ANIME GRILL BODY PILLOW."

Charlie looked across the living room and immediately saw what Ray was talking about. The two of them had crammed about 500 pounds of trash into every cabinet and closet, leaving no room for his kawaii moe waifu.

"We need to get rid of this thing," Ray said. Charlie charged across the room on all fours, embraced the pillow, and hissed like a vampire in direct sunlight.

The European kind. Not the American ones, thank God.

"No! You won't take Lady Purple Heart!"

"You're calling it by name now!?" Ray asked, unsure of whether or not he was even capable of being stunned anymore. "Okay, what do we do with it?"

"We can take HER to the 2nd and Charles the next town over. We could make it back here in time, and I think they'd keep her safe until your mom decides to GTFO."

"Y'know, I would call you out on this dumb shit, but I don't care about my dignity anymore. Want to take my car?"

"Considering that I don't own a car, yes. Let's do that," Charlie replied, carrying the pillow bridal-style through the door, missing the spider stuck to the goddess's left chest cheek. The two twats moved through their dormitory hall, getting strange looks as they went. A few wasted fraternity members asked to violate "that steaming hot babe," causing Charlie to reply with a double bird, which, sadly, failed to shoot out any lasers, while Ray replied with "¥5000 per hole," which, due to the seemingly large number, scared off all the frat boys except for one, and by the time he'd started to unzip, the unlikely duo (and the pillow!) were already in the elevator.

"Wait, how do you know what yen is?"

"..."

Eventually, they made it to Ray's alleged automobile, loaded Purple Heart into the trunk, spider and all, and climbed in. Ray turned the key, starting the car's engine with a dangerous-sounding sputter.

"That doesn't sound good," Charlie said.

"Eh, it's probably fine," Ray replied, dismissing the fact that he hadn't paid for an oil change in the last three years or so.

The car whined and groaned as the dynamic duo sped out of the parking lot, desperate to win their race against the clock. They drove for miles, the college town scenery giving way to very precarious cliffs that definitely wouldn't be used as plot devices any time soon.

"...It's getting hot in here, Ray."

"Well, it sure as hell isn't me."

"No shit. Can't you turn the air on?"

"Not unless you want it to smell like month-old bread in here."

"You still haven't moved that toaster?"

"The damn thing's melded to the plastic, Charlie."

"Why the hell did you need a day's worth of electricity rerouted to it anyways? "

"How else," the lanky man in the driver's seat said as he reached under his chair and whipped out an old cassette tape, labeled 'SPICY MIX,' "was I supposed to make this? This, the hottest mixtape ever dropped in the history of mankind?"

"With a Walkman or some shit like that. Not a toaster! Anyways, can you turn the damn thing on or-are those mushrooms?"

"Did I say month? I meant year. And if it'll make you shut up, than yes, I can."

"Wait-Ah!" Charlie screamed as the air conditioning blew the mushroom spores situated right in front of the vents through the air. "Great. Probably gonna get violated by those spores so hard I'll get an STD."

"Hey, Charlie, wanna hear some tunes?"

"Sure…? I think?"

"Alright!" Ray exclaimed, sliding the 'SPICY MIXTAPE' into the cassette drive of his car.

"Oh, yeah. That stupid thing. Okay then. I suppose it's my punishment for not having the foresight to bring my Game Boy with me."

"Now," he continued, skipping a magnificent stoner beanie over his shaggy brown hair, "it's time for us to go on a spiritual journey across time and space."

"That's not how music-"Almost instantly, Pink Floyd's hit album, Dark Side Of The Moon, began to play, filling the air with a psychedelic magic that immediately went to work on the two students.

Although that could've been the spores.

Synapses flooded with dopamine and manly tears were shed as the masterful guitar riffs and experimental synth played through the shitty Chinese speakers, and the two began to experience true bliss.

Which also could've been the spores. Maybe both at the same time.

"Woah…" Ray said with glassy eyes, "where's my hands?"

"I-I dunno mane," Charlie replied, also under the influence of these sick tracks. "Oz, maybe. Like...why do we even exist, man?"

"That's deeeep, Jay."

"It's funny cause I'm quoting Jayden Smith, and your name's Ray. Oh, look, not-Jay, a trees!" Charlie slurred, pointing through the windshield.

"Wow! They're getting closer!" Ray laughed. "They sure are fast!"

"Not as fast as we are high!" stumbled out of Charlie's open speech hole.

"WOAAHH-"

The sound of stoners was replaced by the sound of crunching metal as the car slammed into a tree and flew off the cliff, flattening as it hit actual stones. One last intoxicated shriek escaped the two as they both conveniently lost consciousness at the same time, which probably isn't a plot point either.

For most, listening to Pink Floyd and driving like a moron would be a death sentence. But for these two, this was only the front door into the depths of stupidity.

This was only the beginning.

* * *

"Ugh…"

Raymond stirred and muttered incoherent nonsense as he came to. His car was even more fucked up than normal, with a completely smashed front end to complement the completely smashed everything else. himself included.

Oh, and it was upside-down. That too.

"Charlie?" Ray asked, glancing over to his still-unconscious friend. The weeb stirred and mumbled something about Rosetta Stone before snapping out of his car-induced coma.

"Wha-?" Charlie asked, obviously concerned by the fact that he was suspended in midair by only a crappy seatbelt keeping him from snapping his neck on the car roof. "Are we dead, Ray?"

"I don't think so," Ray replied. "Unless we're both hallucinating each other as our brains run out of oxygen…"

"Well, if we're not dead, we're probably close to dying. I mean, we're upside down, and I can't see outside of the car. We could be dangling precariously off a ledge, inches away from falling into a pit of razor-sharp death spikes that would make Eggman proud-"

"SHUT UP CHARLIE!" Ray screamed.

"Fine, jeez," his friend replied. "Let's get out and find a payphone or something."

Charlie tapped the door with his foot, snapping the brittle hinges clean off. Raymond followed suit, albeit after a few attempts and possibly a fractured metatarsal or two.

"Holy crap, Ray."

Responding to this observation, Ray poked his head out of the car and immediately saw what Charlie was talking about.

They were in a cave. It wasn't a normal cave, and it wasn't the Rave Cave from that one Matrix sequel.

That movie blows, am I right?

(RAY!)

The two took a look around and examined the surroundings in complete awe. Luminous crystals protruded from the floors and walls, bathing the place in a cyan glow that looked positively stunning. Ray took a breath and exhaled deeply, summing up their surprise and admiration for nature's beauty in four simple yet eloquent words.

"Seriously, what the fuck."

"Well, we're gonna have a great time explaining this one to your mom," Charlie said. "Also, how in the sweet name of fuck did we END UP UNDERGROUND IN A CAVE!?."

"I think we hit the progressive rock too hard, Charlie," Raymond said, adjusting his glasses.

"Wait a second," Charlie said, blinking rapidly as if he was convinced his eyes weren't working properly. "Uh...Ray...you're not gonna like this."

"What? Dude, we crashed my car into a cave, I have no idea where said cave is, and we have no way to call Mom to pick us up. What could possibly fucking faze me-?"

Interrupting the rant, Charlie pulled a rear-view mirror off the ground and turned it to Ray.

The glasses-wearing nerd froze.

He gazed into the looking glass, and a goddamn Japanese-anime-weeaboo-bullshit guy stared back.

"N-no. No! NO NO NO NO NO!"

"Ray, this is a good look for you!" Charlie yelled in futility. Ray was far beyond reassuring; he had become a part of what he had always fought against since he could reach the computer keyboard.

"Mein Gott…" Ray murmured, falling to his knees. "How could this happen to me!?"

"...I've made my mistaakes~" Charlie chimed in.

"SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH CHARLIE!" Ray said, almost in tears at this revelation. "If you didn't have this piece of weeb trash, this wouldn't have happened!"

"Hey, it happened to me too, Ray," the other nerd replied, checking out his reflection. He was admittedly quite impressed by the results; his blond hair was as radiant as ever, and basically every aesthetic flaw the two had was gone.

Thanks, low animation budgets!

"...Okay, maybe there's a cure," Ray began, trying to reassure himself of the fact that he would one day be back to his old, acne-scarred self again.

"We still need to get out of the cave too."

"And we have no food."

"Well...shit."

"We could eat the pillow," Ray suggested.

"NO! I paid good money for that preorder bundle bid, Ray!"

Just then, a realization hit.

"Hey Ray, can you pop the trunk?"

"Dude, the car is fucking flipped over. What do you think?" Ray replied. "Well, we should probably press X and flip this vehicle anyway…"

"Good idea," Charlie said as he got into position. "Ready, Ray?"

"Ready."

The two out-of-shape nerds struggled and strained to get the car to move, but they eventually succeeded after ten long minutes of Speedwagon-tier screaming. Of course, they were nowhere near as manly as Jonathan and his crew (Giorno notwithstanding), but it's the thought that counts. With one last metallic groan, the car finally came to rest upright, allowing the trunk hatch to pop open...revealing the Purple Heart pillow.

"Charlie, I'm not taking this thing with me," Ray said.

"No, that's not what I'm about to suggest," Charlie replied. "Ray, take a look at that succulent art style."

"Looks like a sexualized cartoon."

"Now look at your reflection."

"Also looks like a sexualized cartoon…" Ray thought aloud. "Oh dear...you're not actually thinking that-"

"That we're in Gamindustri?" Charlie asked. "Ray, Pink Floyd does crazy shit to the mind, though, in hindsight, the spores floating in the air might have helped, but the pillow is just too much to be a coincidence."

Ray just stood there, unflinching and unmoving. Charlie was unsure if he was shutting down on a psychological level or was just too shocked to react, but he figured that it probably didn't matter regardless.

"Well, we're fucked."


	2. Chapter 2 - This Is Dogoo Country

"Really though, how the heck is this even possible? Did someone pull a Little Boy downtown or something like that?"

Ray's wild speculation had been going on for almost an hour at this point. Charlie sat across from him on the cold, stone-hewn cave floor, attempting to process this turn of events for himself. What would he do for money in this new world? Would he settle for a simple life, devoting his one share to whichever nation pulled off the best fanservicey PR stunt? Or would he use his knowledge of the Neptunia games and anime to rule as God-Emperor of Mankind?

And, perhaps most importantly, which spicy waifu would he try to romance?

Ray, on the other hand, was still in shock. On some level, he was convinced that he was just having a wacky LSD trip, and that the effects would fade within twelve hours or so. That possibility seemed to grow increasingly unlikely as the minutes ticked on, and the pasty nerd was faced with a fear that chilled him to the spooky skeleton living within his fleshy mass: he, a trained Anime Hunter, would have to survive inside the very cartoons he tried so desperately to avoid.

"Maybe Pink Floyd was actually a weeb band, and they used their rock n' roll magic to cast a spell on every Dark Side album that would only activate if a CERTAIN SOMEONE brought a BODY PILLOW along for a Sunday drive!" Ray shouted.

"Fuck you, Ray! I didn't ask for this either!" Charlie replied. That was a lie, of course, but that little tidbit was confidential information.

"Yeah you did!" Ray answered, pointing at the pillow. "You did it the moment you ordered this thing!"

"...Okay, maybe it's a bit of a lifelong fantasy of mine-"

"ARRRGGHHH!" screamed Ray, releasing his pent-up rage.

"Ray!" Charlie said, slapping the living fuck out of his comrade. "Get a hold of yourself, man!"

"Don't bring TV Tropes into this, you weeb!" Ray yelled, shoving Charlie away. It seemed that a battle to the death was inevitable; two people enter this dimension, one person leaves.

Except Charlie owed Ray twenty bucks over a bet on the release date for The Last Guardian, and Charlie realized that JRPGs are ballstastically hard with only one party member. So, killing each other wasn't exactly in anyone's best interest.

Unfortunately, the vicious beasts of the cave had detected the unrest between the two friends. A sinister growl echoed through the cave, shutting both of our fair heroes up.

"Do-goooo!"

"...We're about to have a monster encounter, aren't we?" Ray asked.

Two blue, gelatinous blobs dripped from the ceiling, falling to the cave floor with a wet splat.

"Ah, sweet music. It's just like what I hear at 4 AM EVERY SINGLE MORNING!" Charlie yelled, laying down the law with a sick burn.

"Wait a minute! Why are YOU up that late?"

"I-...touché, Raymond. Touché."

The two globs of goop jiggled vigorously and changed shape, molding themselves into identical Dogoo. Charlie flinched and looked away, avoiding the gaze of the creatures. Soulless eyes, black like the abyss and hiding untold depths of perversion, gazed at the two twats, sizing them up like pieces of meat on the butcher block.

"Wait, how are we going to fight? We have no weapons!" Ray shrieked.

"I dunno, just throw some random shit!"

The first monster leapt forward, preparing to lunge for the kill. Charlie's knees locked as a thousand-yard stare appeared in his eyes. The Neptunia anime had shown him exactly where this was going.

"Take this, you spineless fucks!" Ray screamed, chunking a piece of metal at one of the monsters. The sharp edges were sure to give the evildoers a wicked case of raging tetanus.

Except, it didn't have the desired effect. The metal instead lodged deep within the leftmost dogoo's gelatinous biomass and stuck out like a razor-sharp implement of death.

"Do-GOO!" the hound countered, launching itself toward Ray. The scrap metal sliced through his dermis like a knife through butter, leaving a nasty laceration.

"Oh FUCK!" Ray shrieked, his red Kool-Aid dripping out onto the cave floor. "CHARLIE MEDIC ME BEFORE-"

Charlie watched in horror as Ray's speech stopped and his limbs locked up. The now-rigid young sausage fell to the ground, frozen by the bacterial toxins now flooding his system.

"I have the tetanus, b0$$."

"God dammit," Charlie muttered. "Okay, dog boys, it's time to count up your sins!"

The weeaboo threw an open palm in the air and screamed, veins bulging with determination.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaa-!"

"Charlie, what the fuck are you doing?" Ray grunted, still paralyzed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Damn dude, just pop a laxative and call it even-"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Charlie finished, falling to his knees in exhaustion.

"What the hell, man?" Ray asked.

"It's the anime dimension, Ray. I was trying to channel my soul energy into a mythic blade fit for a true warrior. Duh."

"...I hate you, Charlie. Please die."

The two devious doges wasted no time in honoring Ray's request, seizing this opportunity to tackle Charlie, sending him to the ground with a thud.

"OH GOD RAY! HELP!" the weeb shrieked as one of the Dogoos began its infiltration of his no-no square. "NO NO DONT TOUCH ME THERE-"

"I still have tetanus, dumba$$!" Ray said. Just then, however, a statement in giant purple-colored font appeared above his paralyzed body.

 _ **RECOVERY!**_

In a moment of plot convenience that actually somewhat reflects the game mechanics, Ray's muscle function returned as the tetanus within him died out.

But, he still had a problem. A sentient blob of Jell-O was currently attempting to un-virgin Charlie's tiny virgin butthole, and Ray had no weapons to stop them.

That is, until he saw a surviving artifact of the crash: the psychedelic 'shroom toaster was still intact, lying just a few feet away. Without hesitation, Ray scooped it up and readied a combat stance, using the smooth metal contours as an improvised bludgeon.

"Get. OUT!" Ray screamed valiantly as he charged forward and knocked the pants-invading Dogoo out of Charlie's invaded pants and to the ground. From there, Ray continued to smash the Dogoo to a finely-ground pulp, sending a shower of blue (and white) goop across the room. The remaining Dogoo yelped in fear, and began to frantically hop away, the scrap metal still lodged in its fleshmass.

"On a scale of one to ten, how much therapy do you need?" Ray asked.

"Thirteen." Charlie said, shivering as he got up.

 _ **LEVEL UP!**_

The purple text returned once again, announcing an increase in Ray and Charlie's stats.

"Ooh!" The weeaboo leapt in the air, suspending gravity and pulling off a freeze-frame somehow.

"Charlie?" Ray asked. "What in the name of God are you doing?"

"You levelled up! We have to do a special level-up animation!" Charlie said, still suspended in midair. "Jeez, haven't you ever played a JRPG?"

"Does the Doom RPG count?"

"JRPG, Ray." Charlie deadpanned. "Can you guess what that J stands for? Now hurry up and do a victory pose. I'm getting bored up here."

"Fine," Ray said, flipping two birds in the general direction of the fourth wall. "Is this good?"

"Well, you're probably stuck with it forever, so…"

Ray blinked. "Honestly, I don't care."

"Although, depending on how much of a shit the devs care, we might get more than one-ow!"

Charlie forgot that gravity only stops working during the level up animations, which meant that his level was inevitably going to be the opposite of him, a fact he remembered as soon as he hit the ground faster than Pit's career after _Of Myths and Monsters._

"Walk it off!" Ray snarked as a mild form of payback for that 'JRPG' joke Charlie made at his expense, something Charlie took to heart.

After he recovered from his fall, represented by a grey _2_ , Charlie dashed over to the deceased monster and crouched down, inspecting it. "Hey, I think I got a couple of drops out of this!"

 _ **WEAPON GET: SHOTGUN**_

Out of the blue, a futuristic combat shotgun appeared in Ray's hands. An avid fan of pretty much every good MS-DOS shooter, the stunned young man squeed in delight.

"WOAH! Awesome!" he squealed like a kid in Christmas.

"Let's see what I got!" Charlie exclaimed. If a guy who had never even played or watched anything Japanese in his life got a sweet weapon on his first drop, a Neptunia veteran like himself would get insanely good loot. "Here goes!"

 _ **WEAPON GET: NERF N-FORCE SWORD**_

"..."

"Haha….HAHAHAHAHA! Howzabout that, Charlie? This update really... _Nerfed_ you."

"God dammit, Ray! How the fuck am I supposed to slay monsters and impress mai waifu with this thing?"

"Just swing it around like a madman, man."

"This isn't even made in Japan!"

"What, is China not Asian enough for you?"

"Hey, wait a sec. Speaking of monsters...where did that last Dogoo go?"

Ray stopped laughing and looked around. "Good question. I don't have an answer."

As the two lads tried to track down the final monster, they heard sound of rocks tumbling down an adjacent cliff.

"That's probably not a good sign…" Charlie said, readying his dumb foam toy for combat. Ray followed suit, dramatically pumping the shotgun one-handed like a dumbass high on 80s nostalgia and too many Schwarzenegger movies.

Suddenly, a strange, rectangular object leapt from the cliff and smashed into the ground in front of the party, sticking the landing perfectly. Much to Ray's confusion and Charlie's recognition, the front of the object strongly resembled a cat, complete with eyes that just screamed "I can't believe I took out $200,000 in student loans only to get stuck in this shitty fanfic."

"It's like a cat banged a coffee table," Ray said.

"That's a Purr4, you buffoon," Charlie replied. "It's a PS4-cat or something."

"And we have to fight it?"

"Probably, yeah. I guess the Dogoo called for backup."

"Great…Wait."

"What?"

"If it's a cat-themed PS4, then why isn't it called the PSFur?"

"...Hey, wait a sec! What's it doing?" Charlie asked, watching intently as the cat stared intently at a piece of Ray's car. It shuffled slowly toward the piece, completely ignoring the two protagonists for some reason.

Must not have registered them as a threat.

"Hey, that's the stereo!" Ray said, recognizing the piece. "Is it going to assimilate it and become a more evolved life form?"

The Purr4 stared again at the stereo system before gently rubbing it's face against it, completely disintegrating it.

Apparently Chinese wasn't Asian enough for Ray, a choice he had now begun to regret.

"Hey! I paid two whole dollars for that, you piece of shit!" Ray screamed, levelling his gun at the curious monster. "Shipping and taxes not included!" Charlie immediately proceeded to thwack him in the back of the head with his Nerf sword.

"Don't piss him off, Ray! He's probably a higher level than us!" Charlie said.

The cat pawed at the dust before biting down on something. Ray's eyes widened as he realized what exactly this monster had decided to consume.

The Spicy Mix.

"NO DON'T EAT THAT YOU MORON-"

With a satisfying crunch akin to a Vlassic pickle spear, the cat chomped down hard and pulverized the mixtape. Tears began to fill Ray's eyes as his life's work, which translates here as a quick 'session' in the bathroom and his car, was crushed between the jaws of a glorified IKEA table.

"Can't we just make a new mixtape?" Charlie asked, trying to console his friend.

"NO!" Ray yelled in grief. "THAT MIXTAPE WAS LIKE MY BROTHER, CHARLIE! I LOVED HIM!"

"I'll let you reroute the electricity again."

Ray immediately stopped mourning his loss and began to cut them instead. "Hmm..."

"You'll have to bring the car, though. And the toaster. And the cassette tape. And the mushrooms. And the power bill-"

All of a sudden, the cat began to shake uncontrollably. Ray momentarily paused his contemplation and looked on in horror.

"My God...he's absorbing the memes!" Ray screamed.

The Purr4 stirred before flipping over onto its side. The yellow, body eyes of indifference transitioned rapidly into a strange state strongly resembling a BSOD on Windows 95, accompanied with the soothing melody of a 56k modem's dialup process. Then, much like an actually BSOD, a multitude of colors filled the screen, which, in this case, were the eyes of our beloved heroes, as light started to flood the cavern.

"What the hell kind of memes did you put in that thing, Ray?!" Charlie said, covering his eyes from the blinding light and once again bewildered by the power of Pink Floyd.

"SPICY!" Ray yelled, similarly covering his eyes.

When the rave party finally ended, Charlie half-expected the Purr4 to have transformed into a Mercades-Benz for them to ride off in, what with the psychedelic light show that let them peer into the universe and all that, but all he and Ray were greeted with was a message box floated in front of a remarkably high-detailed mook.

Well, he thought it was a mook. Not anymore. The message box read:

 _ **PURR4 HAS JOINED THE PARTY!**_

"WHAAAAAT!?" Ray and Charlie asked in unison, yelling so loud that they managed to block out the distinct sound of two sets of footsteps in the distance.

The monster's eyes reverted to their normal state, and the Windows startup sound played from...somewhere. Seemingly relieved to be back to normal, the cat tumbled back onto its legs and started to walk off before being yanked by an unseen force back to the two dimensional defilers. It tried once more to walk away, and failed again in the same fashion.

"Wait, is it stuck with us?" Ray asked.

"He's evidently in the party now, so yeah, I guess."

The cat seemingly had this exact revelation, judging by its decision to try to throw itself off the cliff. But even death would not take this creature, as evidenced by the invisible walls blocking his path; it was now trapped forever in this disgusting prison of tryhard humor and awkward prose.

"Jesus, Charlie," Ray muttered. "I can't say I blame him with you around."

"HEY!"

Seemingly resigned to his fate, the Purr4 shuffled at the speed of Duke Nukem Forever's development toward his new "pals." He had already seen his fair share of idiocy in Gamindustri, but he had a feeling that this would be three times as bad, plus about twenty-seven.

And, quite frankly, he was right.

"Are we really keeping him?" Ray asked.

"We're protags in a shitty Hyperdimension Neptunia fanfiction, Ray," Charlie said. "Of course we're keeping the comedic animal mascot."

The Purr4 silently acknowledged this fact, with it at the very least glad that it would be more humorous than these two jackoffs.

"Hey, Cat," Ray said to the monster. "Give us your item drops, yo."

Complying with this request, the cat's disk drive opened, revealing a wad of some kind of plant.

 _ **ITEM GET: HEALING GRASS**_

Charlie shrugged. Healing Grass was a pretty basic item in the game. Sure, it was good to have some on hand, but it wasn't a game changer by any means. Ray and the Purr4, on the other hand, were seemingly thinking the same thing about this plant.

"Cat," Ray said, locking his gaze with their monster companion. "Let's do this."

"WooAHHH!" Ray exclaimed in intoxicated wonder as the bong water bubbled, filling his lungs with the rich smoke of the grass.

The scene was one straight out of a movie: smoke everywhere, reggae blasting from the Purr4's speakers, and two very stoned characters slumped against a rock. Only this time, Charlie had decided to obey the 80s PSAs and avoid turning his brain into a nutritious egg breakfast. The cat had taken his place instead, removing any doubts in Charlie's mind about keeping the NPC around.

"Dude, we don't have time for this!" Charlie said. Ray and the cat replied with a one-finger salute before coughing out a cloud of THC.

"Fuck you, Carly!" Ray yelled, slurring his speech.

"See? You can't even say my name right, you guttersnipe!" Charlie replied. "And you're SMOKING the only healing items we had!"

"Y-your mom!" Ray retorted, giggling like a middle schooler upon finding the word "Sex" in the dictionary. Hell, even the cat was in on this joke, silently laughing in between hits from his own, perfectly rolled Healing Grass blunt.

"...That doesn't even make sense!"

"Your mom doesn't make sense!"

"Where'd you even get the damn bong anyways?"

"Up your ass!"

"Up yours!...Actually, that's a possibility."

Suddenly, following the trend of every other sudden character introduction in this chapter, a kawaii moe waifu dropped down from the ledge above before hitting the ground a few feet away from the gang, causing Ray to cough and spill the bong all over the floor.

"Oh, boy…" Charlie said, starting to get some excitement. This was a perfect opportunity for some wicked-smooth shipping.

The girl emerged from the crater and dusted herself off as Ray's dilated pupils dilated even more somehow. This angelic figure was absolutely beautiful: her hair a subtle peach shade, her fuzzy sweater and plaid skirt emitting an image of cheer and innocence that evoked fond memories of home. Her large, radiant eyes opened softly, locking with Ray's own in a silent exchange that could only be called "destiny."

"Jeez, I think I hit the bong too hard, Charlie. I'm thinking in romance novel-speak."

Meanwhile, Charlie was once again in shock. "Compa!?"

The girl shifted her gaze to Charlie, surprised to hear that he knew her name. But before Charlie could break out his totally professional Japanese he learned from Rosetta Stone free trials and the subtitles of Kamen Rider, Compa looked past him and froze.

The cat seemingly realized what was going on way before Ray could, judging by its expression of fear. Using a corner of its body, the Purr4 nudged Ray.

"Wait, what's going on?" Ray asked, snapping out of his ADHD. The cat replied with a point to Charlie's left and an expression that simply said "This is gonna suck."

Ray, forever late to the observation party, immediately saw why the Purr4 was behaving in such a manner: the body pillow was in plain view.

And Compa was staring right at it.

"лep-лep!?" she asked in justified shock as she examined the potentially lewd pillow.

The two nerds said only one thing in reply, both of them perfectly in sync with each other's feelings like they were Newtypes.

"FUUUUUUU-"


	3. Chapter 3 - One Slap Nurse

_**AN: Well, we're on the third chapter of this monstrosity. To everyone who has reviewed, followed, and favorited so far, thanks for killing your dignity and brain cells with us.**_

 _ **This is a short chapter, but it's got some nice and contrived plot developments to whet your appetite for the future. Enjoy.**_

* * *

"Compa? I swear it's not what it looks like!"

The sweater-wearing girl blinked in confusion and said something in that newfangled weeaboo-speak.

"Dude, she sounds, like, five," Ray commented.

"That's because she's so kawaii~" Charlie replied.

"Charlie, I swear to fuck if you EVER say that again…" Ray responded, feeling his internal organs start to shut down from the sheer intensity of this cringe.

"AAAAND I don't think she speaks English," the weeaboo replied. "I'll give my Japanese a little test…"

"裸になる," Charlie said.

Compa released a surprised and offended squeak before slapping the shit out of Charlie, sending him flying ten feet backward, with a gruesome crunching sound being heard as the right side of his body hit the ground.

"OH GOD SHES HOSTILE!" Ray screamed, grabbing the Purr4 for use as a shield.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" Charlie said. "I THINK I MANGLED THE PRONUNCIATION!"

"WHAT DID YOU EVEN SAY!?"

"I was TRYING to say, 'Let's get acquainted,' but I think I ACTUALLY said 'Let's get naked.'"

"Oh, good job Charlie! We've been here 45 minutes and you've already made the locals hate us!"

Charlie regretted using his Rosetta Stone too soon, but he was almost proud of what happened. Pissing off and/or shocking COMPA of all people enough to warrant physical force was an accomplishment.

Compa seemed to apologize for smacking this bitch up, but it was in Japanese so it made very little sense to the two culture-blind Americans. Purr4 seemed to get it, but he lacked the ability to speak, so that didn't help much. She then turned to Ray, noticing the cut on his arm.

"Oh God…" he shuddered. "No hablo español! NO HABLO ESPAÑOL!"

The non-weeb shrieked and vaulted over the car, sprinting as fast as he could away from the terrifying Japanese woman. It was just like second grade, when the name of the game was staying away from girls to avoid the cooties. Of course, nowadays the females tended to run away from THEM, so this situation was relatively new. He continued his exodus for another two minutes before he got tired and vomited from exhaustion, which was rather pathetic considering that this Compa girl managed to send a 180-pound weeaboo flying with a single slap. He came to rest at a small stream flowing through the cave.

"I'm probably going to get dysentery from this," he muttered, preparing to take a sip. Before his lips met the water, he spotted a curious sight.

Two small, oddly-colored fish.

Ray knew immediately what he had to do.

"Thank you, Douglas Adams. You've saved me yet again."

"My face hurts…and I can't even feel my arm..."

As Ray ran away like a coward, Charlie sat on the ground and, using his not-broken left arm, rubbed his left face cheek. He was fairly sure that Compa fractured his jaw or something, judging by the dull pulses of pain that refused to leave him alone. And he didn't wanna bother considering what Compa did to his right arm. Still, she'd at least tried to apologize, which immediately made her better best friend material than Ray, but that was pretty much moot considering that those Kamen Rider subtitles hadn't taught him any good Japanese.

Especially considering how they were all in English.

The Purr4 had capitalized on the lull in activity. He was currently sharing a nice tea party with Compa, who seemed to be enjoying herself as well. Evidently Purr4 was an adept comedian, because Compa seemed to be giggling quite a bit in response to his hijinks.

Yep. A silent, snarky rectangular prism with a cat face attached was getting more game than both of the humans combined.

The best part of this is the fact that the jokes Purr4 was making were at the expense of the guy laying a few feet away from this Planeptune Tea Party.

Good going, guys. Good going.

"HEY CHARLIE!" Ray yelled loud enough to get the attention of Compa and Purr4, who was about to tell her another joke, this time at the expense of the flagfucker.

"What?" Charlie responded. Ray was currently sprinting back to their base camp, aka Charlie's mangled body, carrying what looked like...two...fish?

"What are you doing?"

"Dude, I have the solution to our little problem!"

"What is it-?"

He looked at the fish.

"Oh, no."

"Cat," Ray called, interrupting the tea party even further. "Hold him down."

Soon after the living coffee table finished his sweet tea and dramatically slammed it down on...himself?, Charlie began screaming in terror as the combined efforts of Ray and Purr4 brought him to the ground. Seizing the opportunity both for weakening of the subject and revenge for derailing his perfectly mediocre life on Earth, Ray threw a wicked sucker punch right into Charlie's nose. The weeaboo had no time to react in his dazed state before he felt a slimy, wriggling fish begin to swim around in his ear canal.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?" Charlie screamed, smacking his ear repeatedly in a rabid panic.

"It's a translating fish," Ray explained. "Haven't you read Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy?"

"Like, here, watch," he continued. "Hey, uh, um…"

"Is that the fish screwing your neurons up, or are you just socially awkward?" Charlie asked.

"Little of this, little of that," the DOS gamer replied. "Look dude, she's giving me flashbacks to my middle school dance."

"Wait, what happened at the dance?"

"So, there was this top-tier girl in my math class that I wanted to ask out…"

"And you chickened out, right? Or maybe she was a tsundere and rejected your displays of affection?"

"Nah, I injected myself with an EpiPen to boost my self-confidence," Ray finished. "I threw up on her and spent the next thirty minutes foaming at the mouth and convulsing on the basketball court."

"...Dude."

"It took half an hour for the paramedics to come," Ray said, suddenly taking on a thousand-yard stare.

"...Dude."

"They thought it was a dance move, Charlie..."

"Maybe if you just showed her how you felt, she would've seen you for who you were, Ray!" Compa said.

"HOLY SHIT SHE SAID ENGLISH STUFF!" Charlie screamed.

"Um...why does that pillow have a picture of Nep-Nep on it?" she asked, evidently oblivious to the connotations that body pillows carried.

Ray started talking first, unwilling to forfeit his opportunity to tell his side of the story. "It's so my pal Charlie here has something to lay on top of while he vigorously ma-"

"ACTUALLY, it's a symbol of my devotion to Planeptune!"

"It's a symbol of your status as a Fapanese juckwad."

"Wow!" Compa interjected. "I didn't realize Nep-Nep had a line of fluffy pillows!"

"Stay back, lady!" Ray yelled. "That thing probably has enough cum in it to impregnate you if you even look at it!"

"Um…'come' where?" Compa asked, confused. "Come closer?"

"Dear God…" Ray said. "Has she taken a Sex-Ed class?"

"She's a nurse, too…" Charlie said.

Ray suddenly leaned in and whispered in his friend's ear.

"Is she legal?"

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!"

Compa's face turned a bright red, indicating that Ray wasn't quite quiet enough.

"No! No dirty thoughts for you, Mister Ray!" she admonished, administering a powerful Power-type slap to Ray's pasty face. A loud cracking noise filled the air as his maxillofacial region shattered on impact, sending a shower of blood and dislodged teeth through the air. His glasses similarly cracked as soon as the hit landed, before the lens exploded in a shower of glass. A sickening pop soon followed as the poor lad's left eye popped out of its socket, dangling precariously by only the optic nerve. As soon as he hit the ground, something else, a long floppy object, also flew away from Ray's body like a Registered Sex Offender running from his parole officer after laying his eyes on Peashy for the first time.

"CHHAWHLEE…" Ray gurgled, writhing in pain on the ground. Compa and Charlie both stood around him, stunned.

Not Purr4, though. Seizing the opportunity both for humiliation of the subject and revenge for derailing his perfectly bourgeois tea party, Purr4 put his leg up like a true gentleman and ejected a sweet golden-brown stream right on top of Ray's face.

"SWEET JUMPING KIRA, COMPA!" Charlie yelled, cradling his wounded comrade in one arm, putting all of his focus into carefully keeping both of his arms away from his face. "WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"Oh, no!" Compa whimpered, tears forming in her eyes. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hit him so hard!"

"CAN YOU FIX HIM!?"

"I'LL NEVER DO DRUGS AGAIN, DAD..."

"No. But we can carry him back to my house!"

As Compa picked up and shouldered Ray somehow, silently noting that he felt lighter than most people she's had to carry in the past, Charlie scrambled to pick up any essential items. Namely, the body pillow, stuffing it under his left armpit, where it was nice and close to him, though he also went to check out the thing that flew across the cave when Ray hit solid ground.

The Purr4, meanwhile, began to once again lament his life choices. He hoped that the narrator had forgotten about his existence, but, obviously, the chances of that happening had been pissed away. So, now, he was stuck on this Ride to Hell.

And, needless to say, things were about to get even more stupid very soon.


	4. Chapter 4 - 何?

**Bold** =Actual conversation

 _Italicized_ =In the distance

* * *

 **"..."**

 _"whaaaaat!?"_

 **"Heh...morons."**

 **"Do-GOO!"**

 **"Ah! Junior Lieutenant Derek! You've arrived!"**

 **"Do-GOO!"**

 **"Heheh. Nice to see you too."**

 **"Do-GOO!"**

 **"Wait. Where's Junior Deputy Drake?"**

 **"do-goo..."**

 _*thump*_

 **"...I see...well, at least he died as he lived; a registered sex offender."**

 **"..."**

 **"Worry not, Derek. His sacrifice shant be forgotten."**

 _"oh god she's hostile!"_

 **"Thanks to his efforts, the CPU is ours now. All we need do now is deliver her to Herr Doctor."**

 _"what did you do to me!?"_

 **"I'm sure Dr. Strangeglove will be most pleased."**

 **"Do-GOO!"**

 **"And, of course, his valor will not be the only one remembered, LIEUTENANT Drake.**

 **"do-goo?"**

 **"Of course. After all, it is thanks to your efforts that I was brought here to begin with. And because of that, I've been presented a glimpse...at our visitors..."**

 _"god fucking dammit!"_

 **"Heh...interesting, are they not? Most interesting."**

 _*smack*_

 **"Hah! Yes, most interesting, indeed! Hahaha!"**

 _"can you fix him!?"_

 **"Let us meet, then, on the battlefield! I hope to use your blood as paint! Paint as crimson as the flag that binds our fate together! AHAHAHAHAHAH!"**

 **"Do-GOOGOOGOOGOOGOO!"**

 **"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA** _hahahaha..."_


End file.
